Writer’s block is awful. When writing this column, I sometimes sit and stare at the computer screen for hours, wondering what I’m going to share with our readers. Right now the block is two-fold because I need to prepare and deliver a speech Saturday.
However, this won’t be just any run-of-the-mill oration. I’m one of several who will take the dais at a good friend’s 40th birthday party Saturday night. It would be easy if all I had to do was compose a handful of recollections of my friend: how we met, some great nights bar-hopping on Chippewa Street, trips to Toronto to watch the Yankees, the night he ... well, that’s not fit for a family publication.
No, this isn’t an ordinary speech. It’s something requiring plenty of thought and must be delivered with proper timing. That’s because we will be roasting my friend.
Yes, a roast. The type of affair that includes plenty of raw humor, ribald tales and a smattering of ethnic jokes. Just about anything that would shock even Howard Stern, but no one gets offended because we’re all friends. We’re shooting for the types of speeches that you’d see on Comedy Central roasts, but I’ll be happy if my stuff barely qualifies for Spike TV.
My dilemma isn’t with the type of humor, but with actually penning the jokes. It’s one thing to sit around with some friends and swap jokes over a couple of beers, but it’s a little daunting to stare at a blank sheet of paper and try to come up with something funny. I have a newfound respect for comedy writers; it’s not as easy as it looks.
One of our reporters, Dan Pye, joked that I should have a couple of drinks and let the alcohol steer me toward comedic gold. Considering that the “guest of honor” and I are both half Irish, that might not be a bad idea.
I’ve come up with a couple of beauties, but much of what I’ve written firmly belong in the “groaner” category. Still, after talking with someone familiar with the guest list, I’m hoping I can wring out a few additional jokes. Besides, it’s always good to toss a couple of zingers at the guests.
If you have any suggestions, I’m willing to listen; feel free to drop me a line. It’s going to be a tough crowd and I’ll need all the help I can get.
•••
Here’s something that could save you some grief in the future. If those hokey ads promoting free credit reports haven’t gotten to you, perhaps this will.
I was talking to a friend recently and he told me about an incident that happened with his mom. She was looking to refinance her house and when she contacted her bank, they informed her that she already had two mortgages on the home.
That was news to her. My friend’s mom has excellent credit and she’s always stayed on top of the mortgage. Was someone using her name and in the process ruining her credit?
After some investigating, it turned out that a woman with nearly an identical name (say, Mary M. McDonald instead of Mary Q. MacDonald) living in the same town had taken out a six-figure mortgage on her own home. Fortunately the woman was excellent on paying her bills and my friend’s mother got everything straightened out.
Still, it was an afternoon wasted on a financial institution’s clerical error and serves as a reminder to stay on top of your own credit and review your reports once a year.
•••
If you didn’t read our managing editor Eric DuVall’s column in the Nov. 11 edition of the News, do yourself a favor and read the first half, which concerns the topic of his “Reach out and text someone” headline. It should be mandatory reading for ANYONE who has a cell phone.
•••
I was sitting at home early Tuesday afternoon when I began to detect a distinct popping sound. I later determined it was the sound of champagne bottles being uncorked as the news of Dick Jauron’s firing spread around town. Thanks for your service, Dick, and don’t let the door whack you in the tuckus on the way out.
John Hopkins is the night city editor of the Tonawanda News. His column appears Thursdays. Contact him at john.hopkins@tonawanda-news.com.
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