JUNK MAIL: Why pay more? Why not?!

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For as long as there have been consumers, there have been manufacturers making products that overcharge for devices that perform functions we can do more cheaply via other means.

Following are a few inventions aimed squarely at those people who are sick of having so much money just sitting there in the back. As always, a product’s appearance here does not mean I endorse it.

• Hard as it is for me to acknowledge, I realize that you don’t hang every page of newsprint that features one of my stories on the wall. But however you choose to dispose of this section after you’re done with it, I am absolutely certain that you don’t need to spend $50 to do so.

The Duluth Trading Company, on the other hand, would seem to think otherwise.

The company recently unveiled the News-paper Log Roller, pictured below. No, there’s no catch — it really is exactly what it sounds like. You put a sheet of newspaper in, rotate a crank and roll the paper up into a “log,” which then is supposedly better suited for burning than a nonrolled paper.

“It’s so easy, even the kids can do it,” the company boasts.

Thank goodness, because Lord knows how tough it would be for kids to roll paper by hand.

In reading the company’s description of this worthless contraption, logs do come to mind. But they’re not made of old newspapers.

• Would you pay $20 for two suction cups?

You should be willing to, according to InventHelp, if you want to SAVE YOUR LIFE.

One of the company’s latest creations, the Protection Plus, is a two-pack of plastic stars on suction cups that come in a choice of three colors. The device serves a variety of uses, according to InventHelp’s release. Whether any of those uses is legitimate is open to debate.

“For anyone that (sic) has ever owned a home or visited a home with a sliding glass door, walking into one of those doors can be embarrassing, not to mention cause an injury.”

While I’ll admit both of those to be true, I would counter with the fact that if you walk into a glass door, you kinda deserve to be embarrassed.

“The Protection Plus also serves as a door-locking mechanism that prevents someone from being able to break in through a sliding door.”

How a plastic suction cup will lock a door is never explained.

“It eliminates having to use a broomstick handle or piece of wood to prop the door open.”

I don’t own a home with a glass door, but I’ve been in such homes, and I’ve never seen anyone have a designated wood piece on hand for propping purposes.

“Parents can also use the product to prevent their children from opening the door and wandering out, or it can be used as a ‘third handle’ on the door to help children go in and out freely.”

Unfit parents, maybe. But any parent with a minimum of competence isn’t going to entrust their child’s safety to a PVC star. I hope.

• We all need to see in the dark sometimes, but at what price?

One hint: probably less than $35.

That’s the going rate for the Gorillatorch, a hands-free light from Joby that’s meant to bring ease to people working in the dark. Made of medical-grade ABS plastic and German TPE rubber (I guess the Germans really know their rubber), the Gorillatorch features magnetic feet that allow it to “grip to virtually anything,” according to Joby.

Well, anything that’s made of magnetic metal, at least.

“The Gorillatorch finally corrects the obvious flaws in flashlight design we have all dealt with for years,” Joby CEO Forrest Baringer-Jones said in the release.

Um, unless the batteries are dead, I’ve never had any qualms with the flashlight. And for about three times the average price of a standard flashlight, the Gorillatorch seems like a product aimed squarely at monkey-brained individuals.

• Granted, the Swine Flu Soap may be good for a laugh. But the laugh isn’t all that cheap.

The soap, from Soapourri, comes in the shape of a pig on a bed of straw. The pig is there to “remind us to wash our hands” in these trying times of swine flu mania.

I guess that’s sort of cute. But for $10, I want my laugh to be a bit more substantial. And I hope that people don’t need swine-shaped soap to remind them to wash their hands.

But that’s not all, according to the company release: “Customers ... have been buying them for gifts for college students and grandchildren.”

Do you have a grandparent who has a knack for giving you gifts that you’d never want and usually don’t even take out of the box? Sorry to ruin the surprise, but here’s what you’re getting for Christmas.

Contact Paul Laneat 693-1000, ext. 116,or paul.lane@tonawanda-news.com.